From the World-Wide Resourses of the Western Australia Reserch Senter(*) OIL THE NEWS THAT FITS MY VIEWS =============================== In the Run-Up to World War III, Reliably Reporting the News Relevant to Extreme Right-Wing Democratic Socialists Everywhere (validated for thought purity by the Office of Our Man in Can-berra). [insert web ref here] Fri 24 Jan. Washington. The "Axis of Evil" has reportedly been reduced to a mere "Dastardly Duo" after Iran dropped out. Following reports of legal dissent and moves to bring in democratic reforms, observers say Iran must be regarded as "better" and no longer a voting member of any overall "Axis". On the plus side, N Korea probably has nukes! Look, I'm not proud. I'll steal material from anyone. Miami. With a "big freeze" continuing across much of the rest of the continental US, a record cold snap has hit Florida. Thermometers dropped to 28 F overnight. The unusual weather is threatening the $US9 bn orange crop. A CIA report has indicated the Axis of Evil may be in possession of one or more weather machines of orange destruction (WMOD). Sat 25 Jan. Chicago. Health employees and emergency workers across the country have begun receiving smallpox shots. While renegade FBI operatives have recently insisted authorities know which Americans have decided to use the cover of the 9/11 attacks for their own smallpox-oriented terrorist operation, it's claimed nothing will be done to bring anyone in because it would be just TOO embarrassing. The IRS office that received a smallpox-dusted latter last week has been cleaned up. Officials say it was mostly a false alarm and that office had always smelled like that. Washington. Reports indicate the damn Kanuks have now backed out of our World-Wide Allegiance Against Iraq, leaving a gaping great hole not even Poland can fill. Typical! Elsewhere, Frog and Kraut politicians have spurted a shitload of anti-war, anti-American rhetoric at some Euro-centric, back-slapping we-love-everyone-fest. Also typical! Washington. US authorities say they have "very convincing secret evidence" that Iraq still possesses weapons of mass destruction. While officials can neither confirm nor deny the evidence is in the form of a mail order receipt for aluminium tubing, they said it would be released at an appropriate time. Washington. The FBI has issued an APB for a small dog that may or may not have the remains of a "post-it" note in its mouth. NY. An opinion poll asking "Which is the greater threat: Iraq, N Korea or Al Qada?" showed 48% stupidly picked Al Qada; 24% Iraq and 16% NK. Reporters say the Whitehouse propaganda machine still has a long way to go to get the latest right answer. Meanwhile, Pres Bush broke from a lodge meeting to indicate he still wasn't sure if the Feb war was going ahead. He warned Saddam H. and Iraqi generals to expect pre-emptive defense in kind if they tried to use WMD. This is apparently an insider joke of some kind. Pres Bush Jr also said Iraqi generals would probably be tried as war criminals no matter what they did, and the best thing to do would be commit treason now. Washington. Mr Rider has been sworn in as the head of America's new Department of Homeland Security. The new dept brings 170,000 employees under the control of a single administration. That's small government for you! First item on the agenda is the installation of 5 am wake-up sirens nation-wide (thanks to Mr R. Perot for that one). Next is a big fat tax cut to pay for it all... Washington. US officials have called on Canada, China, Russia, France and Germany to join the rest of the world in an alliance against the "Axis of Evil". C'mon! Even ONE of you! Don Ramsey said Europe, Russia and China were "out of touch with the real world", and congratulated Poland and the Czech Republic for joining Australia on the winning "in touch" side. NY. Germany is making unhealthy peace noises ahead of assuming the headship of the UN Security Council in Feb. American officials say they are "worried" given Germany's proven anti-war stance and the UN's official prime function of declaring war on anyone the security council says. Tel Aviv. Govt reps say they plan to "shake up" the Gaza Strip ahead of Israeli elections next wk. Observers say it may be a clever way to take a one-off inventory of home-made rockets in the area. NY. Polls show support for an attack on Iraq is still "against", but the US admin is confident more propaganda can turn things around like it did in 1991. A major poll released yesterday shows the US population falls only 46/44 in favour of/against an attack. Officials say similar figures showed up in 1991 2 weeks before the bombing of Baghdad. After the bombing, the numbers had turned around to 71/20 in favour, because Americans don't like to think of themselves as losers. Observers also indicate a similar switch occurred in France. Before the bombing 66% of Frogs were against the war; after bombing started only 33% were against the war. That's why we love Frogs! Washington. Beltway insiders have pointed out Iran's moves to appear good are actually evil because they have a secret agenda of undermining many of the marginally coherent speeches of Pres Bush, Jr. NY. Despite the best efforts of white engineers and scientists, US markets continued to spiral down to imminent attack levels today. Sydney. The SMH reports Aussie troops recently embarked for the Gulf will follow a "US battle plan". Well... duh! The US has more experience in changing foreign regimes to suit itself than any OTHER country. PM John Howard insists he still doesn't know whether the Feb attack is on. The gut-feeling report for today is "mebbe". Sydney. Judges have applauded govt moves to limit the use of lawyers in courts. In other legal moves, PM Howard has reportedly "paved the way" to ignore the UN if it decides to veto a war against Iraq. Bob Green says Aussie troops could be up on charges if they particpated in an action that was voted down by the UN. But Mr Howard said that was probably wrong. He told reporters his decision wasn't final until he gets the word from the Whitehouse. Mr Howard also said Iraq must obey the UN or be prepared to accept the grave consequences of ignoring the world body and treaty obligations they'd signed up to. Sydney. Mrs Hanson has mooted a plan to give up her successful country music and modelling careers to stand for the NSW Leg Council in the Mar elections. Sun 26 Jan. AUSTRALIA DAY 2003. Celebrate the Invasion! Where would they be without us? The PM reminds us to contemplate the sacrifices white old-timers made so that we can enjoy the freedoms we have today! They fought and died, for our kids! Remember -- it's not vilification; it's just saying what you really think! Looking back on the year with pride, remember to "keep an eye out for anything suspicious"! Sydney. A small group of well-wishers outside Kiribilli House have offered PM John Howard American citizenship. It's apparently part of a move to ensure a strong wartime leadership. Washington. Pres Bush told white reporters he still didn't know whether he would order an attack on Iraq. It all depends on his gut feeling on that particular Feb day, he said. Davos. At the WTO meeting, US officials said "at least a dozen" countries would line up with the US to attack Iraq with or without UN approval. Not that an attack is even decided! The secret list of names will be released at an appropriate time. Bern. Interpol has released an APB for a small dog, possibly with the remains of a list still in its mouth. Davos. Arab and EU countries have called on the US to allocate more time for UN weapons inspections. A small demonstration of 1500 was called off and moved to Bern after it was revealed protesters were blocked from getting on trains to the original venue. Water canon were used against demonstrators in Bern. Paracites! Switzerland is a very organized country. CONCENTRATE ON MY *RIGHT* HAND, YOU FOOLS! Can-berra. Indicating that some time in the distant future women may be accepted in science, the PM has made a female academic Australian of the Year. He made a tennis player Young Australian of the Year, so the first part was obviously a token gesture. NY. McD's have recorded their first-ever Q1 loss and have moved to close 700 restaurants world-wide. But Australia has reportedly stood 4-square with its bestest allies by increasing local profits to the company. During FY2002 McD Aus reported a 5% increase in sales to a 32-y high. The 726 Aus-side stores [sic] recorded $1.8 bn in sales of burgers and fries with that. Washington. Americans world-wide have been alerted to be ready for "immediate evacuation". If you are a US citizen, the State Dept asks you to go to your nearest Embassy and mill around aimlessly outside to make an easy target. Melbourne. Melbourne suffered through a couple of record hot nights at 26 and 35, resp. Daytime temps on Sat hit 44+ C. DAMN those Iraqis! Brisbane. Queensland's road toll has reportedly been put down to "slipshod drivers". There's a plan to ship out driving instructors from China where the number 1 road rule is reportedly "concede nothing". Beijing. The State Bureau of Planning says by 2020 there will be 30 mn motor vehicles in China, all thirsty for American oil! I love it when a plan comes together! Washington. Scientists have finally tracked down who is responcible for global warming! Svante Arrhenius over Xmas 1894 tried to calculate how much CO2 was needed to return the Earth to its former ice age. By mistake, he also calculated what would happen if CO2 levels were double then-current levels. He claimed to get a result of 6 deg C warming. Environmentalist have started using this number ever since computer simulations co-incidentally got the same result! Since Arrhenius didn't have supercomputers, his calc must be a fraud! Other scientists thought so little of the man they gave him a Nobel in a completely DIFFERENT subject in 1903! London. King Charles has warned Brits that Muslims are everywhere, including in the Brit govt! Baghdad. Uday, son of Saddam, has promised to "make a picnic" for invading American troops. His comments apparently relate to the food stockpiling taking place across Iraq. Apparently Iraqis believe an American attack will come regardless of what UN weapons inspectors won't find. Washington. In responce to rubbish from Iraq, Pres Bush has explained the US's historical right to replace leaders in any countries with political or economic aims inimical to the US with uncritical puppets. He said the US had the right to pick off countries one by one, starting with Iraq, and this was all in line with his current policy of "preemptive nuclear self defence". Can-berra. PM John Howard told reporters the attack he wasn't aware of was scheduled for sometime early Feb. "But no fine details have been decided", he said. Tel Aviv. Mr Sharon is preparing his victory speech, given polls assume his virtual certain re-election. He announced today was a "Day of Democracy" but hoped that this would be his last "premature election". With a system unequalled outside post-War Italy, Israel has seen 4 govt's in the past 7 y. Meanwhile, operations in Gaza continue with 3 bridges demolished by the Israeli Army. Troops later surrounded a large N Gaza city in a spirit of democratic brotherhood. Several blasts in the city overnight were reportedly related to inhabitants who were responcible for the current Israeli recession. The Israeli Army declared the operation a complete success, with no humans injured. Mon 27 Jan. Davos. Powell says the US will attack Iraq even if allies "peel away". In a sterling defence of old-time vigilante justice, he told reporters that multilateralism was not a pre-requicite for US action. He said it was no longer a matter of finding a smoking gun, but the failure of Iraq to produce any gun whether it was smoking or not. If they failed to produce the gun they should have "realized the consequences". I originally thought Bush and Powell wouldn't ever be on the same wavelength. I needn't have worried. NY. While Americans celebrated Superbowl, they were reminded that nothing can change the American way of life. Cameras with telephoto lenses were banned from the venue this y. Also banned were the famous after-game BBQ's in the carpark. But in another time-honoured tradition, fans of the losing side went on a burning and looting rampage after the game. It brings a lump to my throat! Washington. Whitehouse rep Ari Fleischer has mooted a new problem with Iraq's weapons inspection process. "The problem with a gun that is hidden is you won't see the smoke", he told assembled reporters. When asked to review the Administration's "zero tolerance" policy on WMD, Mr Fleischer said Saddam "would have to figure out what [zero tolerance] means... when and where". Remember -- it's not about oil; it's about regime change! Sydney. Putting his reputation for reliability on the line, Mr Downer says the failure of UN inspectors to find a "smoking gun" would trigger war talks but not necessarily war. Washington. British and US warplanes continued "land clearing operations" in N Iraq in preparation for repatriated Kurds. In a 10-year operation that's seen daily tonnage tripled in recent months, the US and UK have maintained self-declared "no fly zones" in the N and S of the country. L.A. The Rolling Stones have gone senile, promising to give a rock concert to raise money for Global Warming. Washington. As America squares up for the first of 5 million rounds with Iraq, Pres Bush reportedly broke free from handlers today to explain his latest "gut feeling" to reporters. Seoul. S Korea says it will "cut out the middle man" by sending a peace envoy to N Korea. Lucknow. More than 1600 have reportedly died across Asia as a result of a cold snap that's lasted since Dec. So much for global warming! Washington. NASA has launched a satellite to measure solar radiation. 5 instruments will be used to decide if the sun is still shining. Those scientists! Melbourne. Predicted brushfire flare-ups have not yet eventuated. It's PLAYING with us! Can-berra. Alex Downer put his foot in his mouth again during an interview with Kerry Packer. After he automatically assumed the UK would assist in an attack on Iraq with or without UN support, he added that he didn't want to pre-empt anything. Given Mr Downer continually used language indicating otherwise, Mr Packer asked why Aussies should think of the UK as already having decide to go to war, yet believe the PM who keeps saying nothing had been decided yet. Mr Downer said his cell phone battery was flat. Brisbane. The Qld govt has launched an anti con-man campaign, saying Qld-ers were often the victims of fast-talking salesmen from out of state. The campaign will include pointers on how to recognise a politician. Sydney. After a "horror weekend" of bushfires across Vic, NSW and parts of WA, police have been issued kits to help identify firebugs. All men of middle-eastern appearance have been requested to report to their local station and hand in matches and flammable material. Thankyou. Can-berra. Holidaymakers leaving Australian shores have been asked to make a voluntary donation to the war fund. Remember, it's for the kids! Brisbane. There's been an horrific 4-semi pileup on a Qld highway over the weekend. Remember, it's not the speed, it's not the drugs, it's not the poor training, the lack of sleep, nor the poor roads -- it's the system! Can-berra. Govt backbenchers have reportedly been angered by the deployment of Aussie troops to the Gulf. The PM has assured them all Australian troops would be back whether or not Bush hasn't decided to attack yet. Melbourne. Kerry Packer has mislaid another Glock. This is the 2nd weapon he isn't supposed to have without a good reason that has gone missing from his 3rd-floor office in past years. The last time $5 mn in gold bullion also walked. Sydney. Mr Williams, of HIH fame, has complained prosecution lawyers were out to trick him under "hostile cross-examination". His problems with court proceedings have been outlined in a 70-page written complaint. Can-berra. Bob Green has complained the GG has put his foot in it again, this time by making a political comment. Apparently there's a convention that GG's don't make political comments, but the present incumbent told troops in front of TV cameras over the weekend "it had to be done", in reference to their deployment to the Gulf. Can-berra. PM Howard told reporters that it wasn't "a matter of Australian automatically doing everything America wants". He said it was only important what Australia eventually got out of the deal. London. "Brand USA". They will learn to lerv us! A US program of selling itself to its bestest ally is apparently in danger of failing. Brits claim the media campaign is "over the top" and runs counter to traditional mores. Said to be "not propaganda" by the advertising gurus, an ad series includes one spot that has Mr Bush saying Saddam H. is "like a re-run of an old movie" that has some subtle Brit diplomats saying they were "sick to their stomachs". Powell told reporters he could see nothing wrong with selling stuff to people that don't need or want it. It didn't matter if Brits vomited, as long as all sick bags were J&J. Paris. Those bloody Frogs are at it again. A "US boycott" campaign has turned silly, with a local businessman putting his money where his mouth is to launch a new brand, "Mecca Cola", to compete with a major American icon. With 5 mn Muslims in France the brand has reportedly "taken off". Plans now include taking on KFC with a look-alike halal version. Sydney. Asian drug gangs have targeted Australia for new amphetamine sales. Typical! Tel Aviv. In a characteristic move, election posters are due up AFTER the elections. They are though to be too likely to incite racial hatred if seen ahead of time. Commentators say with both major parties out of favour, Israelis are likely to turn to the pro-pot group next wk. There is also some interest in another small party trying to turn Israel into a secular state. Fat chance! Interviews with many Russian imigres indicate their dream is left-wing policies from Sharon -- like in the "good old days" of Likud in the 70s and 80s. Old timers fondly remember Begin dipping deep into the nation's reserves to buy everyone a new toaster and Rolls Royce. Can-berra. Farmers are still selling livestock at record rates because they are expecting an unprecedented 2nd year of drought. Those guys are always bitching about something! Brisbane. Newly-discovered illegal immigrants, S African thrips, are to be bussed to the Pt August detention centre. Troublemakers have already been identified, but it's planned some of the females and kids will be released into the community. Can-berra. The Dept of Foreign Affairs was warned Australians to be "especially alert to security issues" when travelling to the UK. The full list of countries inimical to Australian life is currently secret, but will be released at an appropriate time. Hey -- why not just go out and buy something? London. An article in "The Lancet" has warned that laptops are not to be taken literally. The warning follows a case of severe penis and scrotum scalding reported by a Swedish man after an extended bout of "word-processing". Yeah. Right. London. PM Tony Blair has announced a review of his obligations under the EU convention on human rights. He has particularly queried the section on torture and illegal detention, saying they must be removed to discourage refugees from former colonies. Commentators say the PM also plans to relocate Kurdish refugees back to N Iraq. The Tory opposition has complained the govt's plans "don't go far enough". Tel Aviv. The govt has deployed 27,000 police and special troops ahead of the elections. Mr Sharon plans to lock down Gaza and the West Bank to avoid voter confusion. Given the shattered economy after 2 y of uprising, paying for all this will have to come later when Bush is re-elected. Sydney. Ian Chapell has gone senile, saying refugees that demonstrated guts in crossing oceans in leaky boats to get to Australia were "the right stuff" to become Australian citizens. Ian, keep sportsmanship OUT of politics. Perth. WA has recorded its worst bushfire season on record. What record? NY. Gold is up to a 6 y high. The Dow closed below 8,000 for the first time in 3 m. The USD is down to a 3 y low against the Euro. "It's a war market", said one commentator. "I've seen this before", he said, referring to one of the 200 occasions the US has attacked some foreign power since the end of WWII. But don't worry about your Super or Life Insurance! Nothing you aspire to own is in danger! Tue 28 Jan. NY. Weapons inspectors haven't found anything interesting. Whitehouse rep Ari Fleischer says the Admin is willing to give the UN another 300 years to find something. But he believes the proof for the no smoking gun case is in, and it's damning! Official leaks say the report doesn't even mention a well-documented purchase of anthrax Iraq bought from a US mail order company in the good old days when it was an ally against Iran! And as for all the chemical and bio weapons ALLEGEDLY blown up by US forces on TV in 1991, had anyone seen a notarized receipt? Remember -- it's not about oil; it's about FREEDOM! Can-berra. PM Howard says the UN report shows Iraq is obviously hiding something. Countering questions about the difference between policy on N Korea and Iraq, and in an oblique reference to the repeated atom bombing of Japan, Mr Howard said it wasn't worth tackling NK unless Iraq was taught a 2nd very public lesson first. Bangkok. In a move to adopt successful methods from the middle-east, Thai military forces blew up 30 businesses in the middle of the night. Bombay. Iran is well & truly back on the Axis of Evil, after govt and military officials attended India's Republic Day. Apparently Iran is planning to buy Indian-made missiles. On display were Russian-made cruise missiles and locally-made ballistic missiles with a range of 1500 km. Washington. Pres Bush is planning the biggest speech of his political career with another "State of the Union" address tomorrow. It's thought he'll reprise his "Axis of Evil" thread from last year, now Iran has re-joined what threatened to become a less-threatening duo. Reps for the Pres say any solid data from the weapons inspection team had come too late to be included, but all relevant decisions had not been decided yet many months back, so it didn't matter. Sydney. Economic rationalists have pointed out the silver lining of the record "big dry" Australia has seen this past y. While lack of rain has killed a few people in bushfires, destroyed a lot of property, livestock, crops, employment and export opportunities, it has kept roads dry. The insurance companies say the number of road accident claims is WAY down so we can afford the other expenses out-of-pocket, no worries. Sydney. The All Ords closed down 2% today -- its largest fall in 9 m. Remember -- it's not about oil; it's about DEMOCRACY! === (*) Who is responcible for W.A.R.S? A small group of dedicated sangropers, bannana-benders and 5th columnists linked to various like-minded regimes around the world. Mention us at any Uncle Harry's Gun Shop and Chapel and get a free gift! === you are now up-to-date ===